Dudaim

Michelle Zivari asks:

I noticed something weird while i was reading the Parsha. In the fourth aliyah it talks about the story of the dudaim. When Rachel asks Leah for the dudaim that Reuven found she unkindly answers "Was you taking of my husband insignificant? And to take even my son's dudaim?" How can Leah say that? In the famous midrash it says that Rachel gave Leah the secret signs that she had made with Yaakov so that she would not be embarrassed not only did she not have hakarat hatov she makes it seems like the roles are swapped and that she was rightfully his wife and first choice. Even not according to the Midrash it is clear that Yaakov wanted to marry Rachel and she was the one he worked for.

I agree that the story of the dudaim is a mysterious one, that bothered me for a long time, but that particular point never seemed odd to me. I think all of us can think of things that happen to us that we at first recognize as great gifts for which we are thankful, but then begin to take for granted. I would guess that at first she had great appreciation for what Rachel had done for her, but then, once she alone was Yaakov's wife, grew resentful when Rachel infringed on their relationship, and hurt and jealous when she felt like the second rate wife.

It's possible that she always felt this way. I'm no psychologist (maybe a member of the guidance team can correct me), but I think that sometimes people can almost forget something that is hard for them to live with. Maybe the way for her to come to grips with her family arrangement was to put the episode of how the marriage began out of her mind.

In general, I think that the story is a beautiful illustration of some very important lessons. What we have here are two sisters each of whom was so consumed by what she lacked, she failed to appreciate what she had. Many mefarshim explain that the dudaim were a fertility drug. If so, when Reuven brings them to Leah, Rachel understandably expects her sister to give them to her - Leah already had four sons. Leah responds by saying, it's bad enough that you took my husband, now you also want to take my dudaim? Rachel makes her crucial mistake, and tries to trade the love of her husband for the children she wants so desperately. Leah too, trivializes her child-bearing "ability" by casually exchanging the dudaim for a night with Yaakov.

We later find that each sister was punished in kind for her lack of appreciation. In this coming week's parsha Rashi quotes that the Dina episode was a direct result of Leah's action here (ותצא דינה = ותצא לאה, I assume Chazal mean that Leah's anguish over her daughter's abduction resulted from the story - not Dina's pain, similar to Yosef's 22 years away from Yaakov being a "punishment" for the 22 years that Yaakov was away from his parents). Because she denigrated the value of her children, Hashem reminded her how much they mattered to her. Rachel, Rashi quotes, was punished by not being buried with Yaakov. Because she valued her children over her husband, she spent eternity without him. But, as we know, when Bnei Yisrael needed her most, she was the one who was there to pray for them (רחל מבכה על בניה). So throughout history, both of them got there wish. Rachel was the paradigmatic mother, and Leah the enduring wife of Yaakov.