Boy-Girl Friendships in High School

Question:
Some people say that from a girl’s perspective, it is in no way bad and may even be momentous for us to have a few good guy friends. When you need a friend to talk to and you know that a girl will only add more drama, its good to have a guy friend that you know will be chilled and much less likely to evoke drama on the matter. (assuming of course that the friendship remains appropriate and permissible according to halacha). While all that makes sense from our (a girl’s) perspective...we don't really then understand the mishna in Pirkei Avot which says something along the lines of a guy not being allowed to talk to a girl. Touching and other prohibitions between girls and boys are comprehensible, but talking?! Isn't that a little extreme..??
Thanks !
-Shira Westrich and Hanna Erdfarb

Response:
The Mishna in Pirkei Avot that you are referring to is:

משנה מסכת אבות פרק א משנה ה [ה] יוסי בן יוחנן איש ירושלים אומר יהי ביתך פתוח לרוחה ויהיו עניים בני ביתך ואל תרבה שיחה עם האשה באשתו אמרו קל וחומר באשת חברו מכאן אמרו חכמים כל זמן שאדם מרבה שיחה עם האשה גורם רעה לעצמו ובוטל מדברי תורה וסופו יורש גיהנום:

A few comments: It is important to note that Pirkei Avot is not saying that it is prohibited (in the sense of mutar/assur); it is recommending that one not do so. In general, Pirkei Avot is a book of sagely advice, not a book of issur and heter. That being said, of course we should not dismiss lightly the wisdom of Chazal!! The question that we need to address, then, is what Chazal mean exactly by this recommendation. There are different interpretations of this Mishna. In surveying the opinions of Rashi, Rambam, Rabbeinu Yonah, R’Ovadiah M’Bartenura, and Tosfot Yom Tov, there are two general ways to interpret Chazal’s recommendation in this Mishna. The first is that discussions with women may lead to bittul Torah. The second is that discussions with women may cause a man to have halakhically problematic thoughts, which is an issur in its own right, and worse, may lead to halakhically problematic behavior. (Another detail of the Mishna that is debated is whether the “isha” here refers to a single woman or a married woman. According to those who think that it refers to a married woman, there is further debate regarding if the woman is a Niddah or not.)

In addressing the question about how having relationships with guys fits with this Mishna, I think it is important to consider what type of relationship we’re talking about. If it is a relationship which is built upon shared values and ideals and the pursuit of religious growth, then I think there are definitely positives to the relationship. At the same time, the consideration of bittul Torah for the man (since he has a chiyuv) is a consideration, and that needs to be worked into the equation. And even though women do not have a technical chiyuv in Talmud Torah, she also has an obligation as an eved Hashem to fill her time with meaningful and wholesome activities as well. In addition, the possibility of a relationship leading to inappropriate thoughts and actions is always a real one, even for a relationship that is centered upon the best values and ideals. We don’t know ourselves as well as we think we do, and never truly know how we will deal with situations that test our self restraint.

In short—I certainly don’t think that having relationships with guys is necessarily prohibited, yet it is clearly not looked upon by Chazal as recommended. There are definite benefits to friendships between boys and gils in high school, but whether or not to enter into these relationships is a decision that I think should be made with serious consideration of the above factors.