There's No I in Jew, (But There's More Than One in Bnai Yisrael)

I think that the tension that Mrs. Schapiro describes is very real, especially in the world of Modern Orthodoxy.  Mussar does not come naturally to most of us, and yet there is a mitzvat aseh of הוכיח תוכיח את עמיתיך - we're obligated to tell the people that we see doing wrong that they are doing wrong.  We have joined the rest of the world living by the mantra "let he who is without sin cast the first stone" - that unless we're perfect it's hypocritical to rebuke someone else.  But we've forgotten that that expression comes from the New Testament.

It's true that Chazal teach "אל תדין את חברך עד שתגיע למקומו" and that there is an exception to the obligation to give mussar, if we think that it won't work.  We use these sources to justify our silence, assuming that others would be put off and offended if we said anything, but isn't that because of the culture that we helped create where rebuking is taboo?  Ask most unaffiliated Jews which type of Orthodox Jew is their favorite, and they will often say Chabad.  There is a way to give תוכחה, out of love and caring, that isn't condescending or offensive.  We just have to work to find it.