As I said this morning after tefilla, the message that I got most clearly from the session, is that effective teshuva can't just be showing up, saying I'm sorry and I'll never do it again. It's a process and it requires a plan, a strategy to make sure you don't end up in the exact same place 12 months later.
The Stream:
Parsha Club drew a capacity crowd of nearly fifty students during lunch
on Tuesday, September 20. This week's Parsha Club was unique because
Mrs. Tova Sinensky, Talmud Chair, moderated a "Q and A session" and
discussion between Drs. Oshra Cohen and Rayzel Yaish, both of our
Guidance Department, about "The Psychology of Teshuva." Some of the
thought-provoking questions which were raised included, "Can people
really change?" and "How can we view the concept of teshuva between
man and God through the lens of psychology?" and "Can cognitive behavior
therapy be applied to teshuva?"
Dr. Cohen said that, when doing teshuva, people need to set small, measurable
goals. According to a recent study, she added, it takes an average
of ten times until a person finally succeeds in breaking a bad habit. Dr.
Yaish quoted Rabbi Tzvi Blanchard, father of Elana Blanchard '11, who
said that the reason teshuva seems vague is because it is not "one size
fits all," but rather it is a very individual process. The program was organized
by Mrs. Sinensky and Rabbi Donny Besser.
Chavie's Shorthand Notes (I wish we would have recorded it)
· Is Teshuva limited?
o Dr. Yaish- There are some qualities that are difficult to change but you must try.
o Dr. Cohen- Sometimes it’s hard to fully do Teshuva but you have to give it your all. Even trying is success.
· What are some methods for doing teshuva?
o Dr. Yaish- Rabbi Blanchard (Elana & Tamar’s Dad) says that teshuva feels fluffy or unclear because teshuva is not a “one size fits all,” it’s very individualized, so you can’t give hard guidelines exactly how to do it.
· How can you tell someone you forgive them when you really don’t?
o Dr. Yaish- The Torah sometimes commands us to feel a certain way. If Hashem is commanding us to feel a certain way then there has to be a way to reach those feelings and forgive. If you don’t fully forgive someone then go talk to them and say why you are upset with them. But, we have the power to get over what happened in the past.
o Dr. Cohen- It is hard to forget but you should try to forgive and move on.
· What’s a step for us to take in order to forgive?
o Dr. Yaish- Teshuva is a process and it starts by forgiving yourself.
o Dr. Cohen- It’s very hard to say “I did wrong” and it’s very easy to criticize others and point out of their problems. The way to start is by saying “I did something wrong to you and I’m sorry, but you also did wrong to me.”
1 comment:
First of all, I want to say that I wish I could have been at this panel- it sounds extremely interesting. I have one thing to say,though, on this topic. I think that an important thing to point out in all of these discussions is that as hard as it is to admit that you did something wrong, ultimately, deep down, people know they sinned. I think everyone can connect to at least some of the al cheits, if not most of them. I think that it is very easy to become depressed and to lose hope when thinking about the sins we committed over the course of the year, around this time of the year. It is very easy to say- "Oh, wow, now that I think about it- I'm a horrible person. I did a lot of bad things this year, and everyone is telling me to do teshuva and to take small steps, but it seems hopeless. I think I'm just too far gone to come back." Especially after the aseret yemai teshuva, when we try to do good, and fail, it is easy for us to feel depressed. I think that it is extremely important to remember that we are not perfect, and everyone sins. God knows that we are not perfect, because He created us that way. What we need to remember is that teshuva and growth cannot happen over the course of 10 days, a month, or even a year in some cases. I have not actually witnessed a complete turn- around in someone over the course of years, but I think we all can relate to a change we only achieved when given due time. What is important here is to realize that we are not perfect, and that going into a depression is only going to set us back. What we need to do is recognize where we are lacking,and move forward from there- knowing full well that we will most probably fail. But knowing that we will probably fail, and being okay with that, will ultimately be extremely important for our development and true teshuva.
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