Hidden Messages from Chinese Mothers

A recent article in the Wall Street Journal has set off a frenzy of controversy on-line, and in real life conversation (can an article go viral?).  In a piece entitled "Why Chinese Mothers are Superior" (she later clarified that she doesn't claim that either method is better, and didn't write the title), Amy Chua describes an approach to parenting that forbids all of the following:

• attend a sleepover

• have a playdate

• be in a school play

• complain about not being in a school play

• watch TV or play computer games

• choose their own extracurricular activities

• get any grade less than an A

• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama

• play any instrument other than the piano or violin

• not play the piano or violin.

There's a lot in there to think about, especially for those of us who are about to start dealing with these issues with our young children.  Besides the main argument that she makes, the following passage caught my attention:

What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you're good at it. To get good at anything you have to work, and children on their own never want to work, which is why it is crucial to override their preferences. This often requires fortitude on the part of the parents because the child will resist; things are always hardest at the beginning, which is where Western parents tend to give up. But if done properly, the Chinese strategy produces a virtuous circle. Tenacious practice, practice, practice is crucial for excellence; rote repetition is underrated in America. Once a child starts to excel at something—whether it's math, piano, pitching or ballet—he or she gets praise, admiration and satisfaction. This builds confidence and makes the once not-fun activity fun. This in turn makes it easier for the parent to get the child to work even more.

This is a lesson that my son's first grade Rebbe once taught me on a meet-the-teacher night about Tefilla.  So many of us find davening very difficult and fun or enjoyable is probably not an adjective that comes to mind for many of us either.  I know some people for whom it is downright painful.  What we need to keep in mind is that as with anything else of value, we are unlikely do enjoy something that we don't do well, and unlikely to get good at it without fighting through the discomfort and hard work needed to get good at it.  The same is true of Gemara study, and many other skills - particularly those that we aren't used to.

While this level of commitment may not be worthwhile for everything (does my kid HAVE to be great on the violin?), but for the things that we really value, it is worth the investment, and maybe even to force our kids to invest in until they are mature enough to realize that value.

What do you think?