Are we allowed to say that?

I know that the הלכות of מוציא שם רע, רכילות, & לשון הרע can sometimes be subjective (if you're telling a white lie, or trying to spare someone's feelings etc., then we're more מיקל). Is it okay to talk about Person A who hurt your feelings or was not nice to you to Person B, whom you trust, even if Person B won't be able to do anything, but it'll make you feel better to talk about it, even if you'd be bashing Person A in the process of trying to make yourself feel better?

Thanks!

-Anonymous

You’re asking: Is “venting” considered lashon hara?

It’s a great question. The classic sefer on lashon hara is Chafetz Chaim, which became so famous that the rav who wrote it, R. Yisrael Meyer Kagan (1838-1933; he also wrote the Mishnah Berurah), became known as Chafetz Chaim. In Kelal 10, Siman 4, the Chafetz Chaim writes that speaking about someone is allowed – with certain preconditions – le-to’elet – for a purpose, and the purpose can include simply making yourself feel better, such as venting to a friend. Certainly seeking advice from a trusted adult, even if they don’t “do anything” but just advise you on how to deal with a situation, is also le-to’elet. However, the following conditions apply:

1) You need to have firsthand knowledge of whatever Person A did – not just have heard about it from someone else.

2) It is clear that what happened is truly a problem, and not just a miscommunication or misunderstanding

3) Person A should be talked to directly about the situation, if at all possible

4) Make sure, when you tell the story, you are telling it truthfully

5) Telling Person B about the situation is really the best way to make yourself feel better, in a way that say, writing in a diary won’t do

The Chafetz Chaim lists a few other conditions and elaborates if you want to look up the original source. If one has a rabbi to ask questions to (and everyone should), lashon hara is just as legitimate an area for sha’ilos as Shabbos or kashrut.

A final note: In the process of researching this answer I caught myself about to vent to a relative, and then I realized I didn’t meet the conditions! Thank you for reminding me of the necessity to think before I speak.

Have a word-wise vacation!